sharethememory | Kenos

[ Childe blinks, looking surprised to see that Zhongli has obvious such items, but he doesn't read too much into it if only so sad to not be disappointed if it's merely coincidence.

Coming to lean against a countertop, Childe glances up at their ceiling before speaking, unsure how to word it properly if such a thing is even possible. ]

I saw.... Many many versions of myself and their time in Kenos. Some of them I was aligned with Zenith, and others I was with Meridian. Always taking a different path, always choosing what to fight for if anything at all and variants on how I went about it. Fiercely loyal, barely loyal at all... except for one thing that always remained the same. [ he is diligent but to pause here, if only to learn the perception this post bothers him more than he wants to admit. ]

I never see the end. My shard always ends up shattered.

[ Zhongli stops in his fussing with the tea at that last comment, brow furrowed and mouth turned down to a frown. It would not be surprising considering who Childe was if that were to be his fate. But to have it so blatantly thrown in his face...

Another beat, and Zhongli goes back to pouring. ]

And how the shard is shattered— is that always the same?

I don't know. I never see how it shatters just that it shatters.

One iteration of me spoke to me, and said I needed to destroy "it," but before I could even hope to get a hint as to what "it" was, that version's shard shatters, too.

[ a small pause before he adds quietly. ] doesn't look like it's from a battle that's for sure.

[ Zhongli turns to look at Childe, picking up one of the cups of tea and setting it down next to him. His brows pinch together again, lost in his own thoughts before he finally speaks: ]

Rare is a the gift of rebirth that comes with no stipulations. It would not surprise me if the us coming to reside within the Shards. It would also not surprise me if we were caught in an endless cycle after seeing firsthand what time magic used recklessly is capable of.

This is not the first time you have forged a deep bond with the Tree, yes.

Do you think perhaps there is more to be learned if you were to try and speak with it again?

[ Childe hesitates in answering, going to pick up the tea offered. ] Hm...last time... I don't know. There was a creature infecting the tree, and I'm not sure if the tree interacted with me or just the creature. I... don't know how to talk to it.

That's what... I'm worried about. I never get to the end of the loop, but observing what I did did feel like watching something repetitive. Afterall... there's only six Oracles and no one has ever won a war supposedly. Nothing about draws or ties, though, either.

And the history of previous conflicts have been lost, yes? Conveniently so and certainly not an accident. And certainly not a vision that you can go to the leader of either faction with.

. . .

Did you see anyone else in this dream? Or just yourself?

Yeah. The Tribune once said that they've never seen the Oracles manifest, but that seems to either be a lie or telling of a bigger situation at hand if not.

It's just me. I don't know if that means I'm alone or if the Tree is just selective with what it wants to show me.

[ Zhongli's fingers flex around his own cup before he sets it upon the counter, reaching out to rest his fingertips on Childe's forearm. ]

Perhaps it is selfish of me to say this. Perhaps it is inevitable if fate wills it to be so. But I do not wish for you to be alone at such a time.

[ Childe will glance to Zhongli now, offering a small but sincere smile. ] I hope I'm not either. I want to see you until the very end!

[ His courage fails him to speak on that further, so he'll take a sip of his tea. There's the smallest knit in his brow before he offers a soft chuckle once he swallows. ]

It tastes good, Xiansheng. I know my palette is bad compared to yours, but it reminds me of home pretty well. This must be really sweet for you though compared to the tea you are used to, right?

[ this is a better conversation topic late at night, probably. He's caused enough stress for Zhongli as it is recently. ]

[ Zhongli watches Childe drink the tea with probably more scrutiny than is comfortable for those that are not used to him. His own brow furrows when Childe does, wondering if perhaps he had performed the process incorrectly. Tea from Snezhnaya was rare to find in Liyue and those who knew how to brew it properly even rarer. It was only through good fortune and the Wangsheng Funeral Parlor's ties to the Fatui that allowed him to experience the process a handful of times.

Oh dear. Where was he supposed to learn the correct technique now if he was mistaken? Perhaps if he scoured the market long enough, such a text might appear if he was lucky...

Ah, but he was letting his thoughts get away from him. There was a reason he had chosen this specific tea after all. ]

A tea should be chosen to properly match the occasion, and this one is long overdue.

Hm? What kind of occasion?

It was brought to my attention that you have been suffering due to my actions for quite some time now.

But even though I have become aware of it, I am unsure of how I should proceed due to the nature of the nature of the issue. To apologize would be disingenuous as everything played out as I had hoped nor do I regret how events unfolded. Yet I cannot and do not want to ignore how you were affected, even though I do not know what should be done about it. The recourse should be something of your choosing not what I believe would be best, because countless times I have not properly understood what you wanted from me.

So this occasion is a gesture of both my commitment and my uncertainty. I wish to understand you better. I wish to understand when I have hurt you and for those times I have hurt you, I wish to make proper amends.

I do not wish you to feel alone, especially when I am right beside you.

[ Childe is quiet, but he can't help the slightly stunned look that crosses his features. He had not expected such... a thing to be said, especially not after the messy situation they had dealt with. If course Zhongli has accepted him back at that point, but still, sometimes feelings change after the great of a moment with emotions flying everywhere.

Normally Childe would rebuttal this. Normally, Zhongli would only bring this kind of thing up once they were deep into a argument with Childe high strung — but that's not how he does it this time. Instead, there's an urge to leave, admittedly, an urge to run away because even if it's ... something he's wanted to hear, he doesn't want to have it only for it to be taken away. And what if he gets in too deep, gets too attached (but isn't he already well past the point of being healthy for anyone?)

He also recognizes that this isn't just about him and his feelings. His response physically and verbally will affect Zhongli's own, too, and even if Childe has plenty of angry comments accusing Zhongli of just not being capable of understanding emotions nevermind actually having any... he doesn't want to be hurtful to Zhongli. Deep down he doesn't want to be a burden or a source of endless misery.

Holding the teacup with two hands, the harbinger digs his heels into the floor to resist shying away, although he does look away and down into the tea steaming from the cup. ]

Ah... I... [ he swallows, finding it hard to get the words out although he does finally manage: ]

I'm... sorry. For... what I said and did to you that night. [ he deflates a little uncharacteristically, but it might be from exhaustion now than anything. ] I'm really... sorry.

[ Another unexpected reaction— that Childe would offer an apology now of all things, but at least he is not retreating. And that just cements Zhongli's determination to dig in that much deeper. ]

You do not have to apologize. It must have been frustrating for you— that I was not hearing what you were saying and only for understanding to come when those same words were spoken through another.

[ For while Zhongli is still wrestling with his own unknown feelings regarding the relationship between Set and Childe, the other god had shoved him in (hopefully) the right direction to correct his wrongs. That night... That night had simply been the breaking point for many nights that had preceded it, and neither of them had been free from fault of the harsh words and cuts dealt to each other. And while they could apologize to each other for those specific actions, that was not the root of the problem.

No, that seed had been planted long before either of them had arrived in Kenos. ]

Nor is that night what I am addressing.

This hurt happened long before, did it not?

[ Childe shifts against the counter but remains where he is. Even if it's true, talking openly about anyone being able to hurt him when he's not in one of his moods makes him feel ridiculous.

The feeling creeps in, the one telling him that he he's weak for even feeling hurt in the first place on so many different levels. That it was laughable to think anyone would ever understand because it was incomprehensible, that anyone would believe him to be capable of having feelings with what he's done and continues to do. None of that will help or save him face no, though.

He decides to drink from cup after a short nod to the last question about it happening before. It's a little too hot, but the burn when it goes down his throat is at least grounding enough that he can focus on it and not let his thoughts get carried away.

(Of course it had been frustrating, it was just made that much worse because he couldn't understand why it has hurt so much in the first place. Even now he still isn't even quite sure—) ]

Edited (wow typos) 2023-07-07 21:48 (UTC)

[ Zhongli folds his hands in front of him, head slightly bowed. If this were to be done properly, he should look Childe in the eyes to show his sincerity. But perhaps that is not something that either of them are ready for at the moment. ]

I am not asking for forgiveness nor will I try to make excuses for what happened.

I just wish for you to know that your pain is acknowledged and that I shall try to treat you as you should be treated from now on, both in word and deed.

[ Which was probably difficult enough to hear for Childe, someone whose pride had someone got tangled up in being useful along the way. Ah, who was Zhongli kidding? Much of his own pride was also firmly interconnected to what he could provide for his people even if he did not view himself as just that.

But still, Childe's discomfort is palpable, something else he does not want to stretch out further especially in light of the dream he had just shared. ]

This conversation does not have to be anything other than that. But if you have words to say, I would like to hear them. —Hear you.

[ he doesn't know what to say (—and he realizes he's even more afraid to say anything even if he did know.) He can tell this 'apology' is sincere, he supposes... but much to his disappointment and the new sinking feelings in his chest, he realizes that the apology he's supposedly wanted for so long does very little. The anger and hurt of feeling betrayed is eased, yes, he feels that loosening its grip but.... Ah. . . so what is this feeling in his chest that continues to ache and burn? His thoughts flutter to that night he just apologized for, not to the harsh words and typical violence, but to the unexpected escalation into physical intimacy — ]

Aha, I'm okay, Xiansheng. Besides, I probably should be careful about wanting you to treat me the way I 'deserve' even it's more than likely not what you're thinking of. [ he jokes lightly, because he's uncertain and afraid of rejection if he opens up too much. He doesn't want to put that emotional pressure on the other. ]

But, in all seriousness... I will do the same for you. Please don't ever misunderstand... no matter what I might do or say, I really do like you a lot.

[ "I'm okay."

Before, the charming smile and reassurance would have set Zhongli's mind at ease. But he had gone months believing that what had happened back in Liyue had been settled only for it to boil over in perhaps the worst possible way. That was too much hurt to be set aside so easily.

But how was he supposed to address that?

Zhongli's carelessness in accepting such statements at face value was partially (maybe wholly) to blame for where they were now, and that was something under his control. It would not happen a second time. ]

Then tell me what you are thinking of.

... [ Childe swallows. ] What I'm thinking is that I screwed up in Liyue a lot more than simply failing to pay attention.

I was sent to steal your gnosis, the "heart" of an archon... and yet you are the one who stole mine, instead.

[ He didn't know why he says what he dies, it so forward and damming, but something about Zhongli pushing that little bit, like he can finally see past a mask (no, he's been able to see beyond it before, but this is the first time he hasn't let that mask keep its secrets.

Childe glances back to his tea bite to stay drinking it again. Hopefully Zhongli misinterpreted that so they'd no awkward rejection, but he can't even think about it for long or he'll start to get Andis over letting such a thing slip.

Why did it come out all of a sudden, even after he convinced himself he was terrified of the reaction to such words. ]

[ The long pause that follows Childe's statement surely might feel like a rejection as Zhongli stares unblinking into his own tea.

Oh.

Oh.

Surely, it had been a topic on Zhongli's mind much this past month. The loneliness and emptiness of their home while Childe had been in Springstar had held a sharpness that Zhongli had experienced only once in his life before, back during the Archon War were budding feelings for a certain fellow goddess has been buried deep at the (slow and terribly belated) realization that she was in love with another. And then those feelings had been locked away forever upon her passing, duty and the love for his people filling in the gaps and soothing the ache.

And (un)expectedly, they reappeared again once he'd set aside his duty.

Zhongli had not realized exactly what his feelings were for Childe (foolishly) until he had almost lost him again, and then what right did he have to speak of them after all that he had learned.

The fact that Childe was brave himself to speak such words is both joyous and terrifying as the dust from last week had still yet to settle. Surely, there is more work to be done to build that foundation less it crumble sometime in the future. Set's advice (while delivered in the most aggravating way possible) was something to take to heart if they were to avoid further problems. Not to mention— ]

[ Ah.

Here Zhongli was again getting lost in his thoughts when Childe deserved a proper answer. All of that could wait until later...

Completely straight faced: ]

Are you so certain that you did not succeed?

[ the silence is so expected that it's only a dull slow burn that mixed with the heated tea as he distracts himself from the silence with it. When Zhongli speaks, though, the sound of his heart in his chest is like a bomb going off, and the harbinger can't help but look stunned as he stares at the floor now.

What? No, he's not certain— well, he's certain he failed to steal the gnosis, but as far as the (other) 'heart' of the Archon... well, no. Shyly Childe glances towards Zhongli, blue eyes the size of saucers. ]

... am I wrong?

[ he doesn't know how to ask any other way at the moment. It feels like he has sand in his mouth all of a sudden. ]

I do not know what I am to call these emotions, slowly blooming as they have been for months. At first, I thought it was a friendship of equality— one chosen freely instead of by association.

[ The other adepti, the Archons, the people of Liyue— yes, Zhongli all thought of them as his dear friends. Treasured people that he would keep in his heart always. But Childe had always been different. A whirlwind of energy and defiance from another country. Chaos to his order. The raging waves against his stubborn shores. Perhaps it would have been simpler had Childe just been an actor in Zhongli's play before returning back into the land of ice and snow. It would have been so much simpler and yet— ]

When you left Liyue, your absence was like a shadow, the places we used to visit dimmer and less lively. I did not know how to cope with the loss of that who was still living, so I simply did not. I hypothesized many reasons why I might feel that way, refusing to admit to myself the truth.

Even here in Kenos, I took you and your companionship for granted, reveling in our reforged bond without daring to ask for more. I took your presence for granted. The life shared under this roof for granted.

It's rather pitiful, don't you think? That I had to experience losing you time and again before finally admitting the truth to myself.

[ That he wanted Childe for more than just their shared history. That he cared for Childe more than a friend. ]

I do not know what to call these feelings. I do not know how I should act upon them. But I do know that I wish to be by your side and for you to be by mine. And I do know that I have entrusted a part of this—

[ Zhongli reaches up to place a hand against his chest, fingers dipping slightly underneath his skin. ]

— mortal heart of mine to you if you would have it.

[ Childe, perhaps for the first time in a very long time, really listens to what is being said to him. Although he hears them, the experience is surreal, perhaps because he never imagined a situation where someone might reciprocate such feelings if he ever developed any.

To hear Zhongli of all people saying these words to him feels impossible. He attempts to think of something to say in response even before Zhongli is finished speaking, moving to put his teacup on the countertop as to not be distracted or hindered. In the end though, no words escape and he merely moves to leave the counter in favor of going forward to reach for the god and embrace him. The words only finally come after a moment of hugging the other like he is something precious (and he is ... for the first time Childe can admit that to himself now) in order to protect from and usher away the negativity of the blame Zhongli puts on himself.

It's not just Zhongli's fault. He's not exactly willing to admit his own fault in this beyond his apology for creating such chaos that other night, but it doesn't mean he necessisarily needs to blame it on the other as a result.

All that matters to Childe now is that Zhongli still wants him around. ] How could I ever say I don't want such a gift...?

[ lifting his head up and tilting it back enough to look Zhongli in the eyes, a gentle smile appears. ] I will never not want it... your true heart. ...And I don't want to share it, either.

[ Without a further word he'll tilt his head to be able to lean in and press his lips to the other's, even if a bit shy despite the overall boldness and enthusiasm. ]

Edited 2023-07-11 09:50 (UTC)

[ Zhongli and Childe had kissed many times before. Once, behind masks while not knowing who the receiving party really was. Once a few weeks ago as a challenge to see who might back down first. And many many times just a few nights past that was all carnal need and pent up frustration spilling from the both of them.

But this— This is something more than just physical contact and desire. This was not a contest. And this was not an accident.

Zhongli should probably be embarrassed by how much he prefers this kiss to the others as he sinks into the other, no hint of hesitation or shyness in the way his tongue slips pasts Childe's lips or his hands firmly hold the curve of one hip and the base of his skull. He had not even known that he had wanted this for very long (not until he curled up alone on their couch with a mug of lukewarm tea that tasted of nothing as the creeping fear that Childe may not want to return here crept up his spine) so the amount of relief joy fondness that wells within him is quite ridiculous if Zhongli were to sit back and think about it.

But he does not think for the moment, only feels, as the hand at Childe's nape slides down down down to encircle one of Childe's wrists (the teasing jut of skin that for some reason his gloves did not cover). Up and up and closer and closer does Zhongli's hand lead Childe's until it is Childe's fingertips that press into the cavity of his chest, sharp top of Zhongli's Shard catching on the underside of the Harbinger's fingers and palms as it slides so effortlessly inside. ]

A pity...

[ The words are breathed against Childe's lips as Zhongli has not intention of pulling away, stretching and savoring this moment to last for as long as possible. ]

That I have no physical token of my heart for you to take.

Kenos - Communion

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

1/2

no subject

no subject

cw: minor body horror

no subject

no subject

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)