Zhongli ❖ 钟离 (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
sharethememory) wrote2023-01-08 04:22 pm
sharethememory) wrote2023-01-08 04:22 pm
Entry tags:
Kenos - Communion
Communion with Zhongli always feels a little like this.
Communion with Zhongli always feels a little like this.
Communion with Zhongli always feels a little like this.
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With Childe curled up sulking against his pillow...
He reaches out a hand, leaves it hovering over Childe for an embarrassingly awkward few seconds before giving him a few light pats on the shoulder.
That was a proper show of physical reassurance, right? ]
Then let me stand besides you so that at least one person is not getting in your way.
You are looking for the truth, yes? Even if it may uncover something unkind about Lady Yima.
[ Since as far as he can tell, Childe's devotion to Zenith was largely tied up in his fondness for its leader. At least, the way he spoke about them with pride was comparable. So was the way he talked about his fellow Harbingers--- er, Zenites.
And while they both know that Childe does not mind if Lady Yima has a dark history (perhaps it is even preferrable to Childe in that respect), a Vanguard's most important duty was to be of service to Her Majesty. ]
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( He feels a sense of frustration that he doesn't expect at Zhongli's attempt to offer to help him rather than get in his way. Childe grimaces, aware that he's being unfair and immature to still feel angry about Liyue, but he can't help it. Zhongli had stayed on the side out of his way, then, too; and yet he still was the single biggest obstacle in Childe's way, in the end. Could that somehow happen again, even if there's no reasons he can identify that would cause a thing like that? )
Now isn't the time to be lashing out at Zhongli. Now isn't the time. What he did back on the Scorching Isles was more than enough if he had any hope without Emet-Selch around to be convincing Zhongli to support Yima's cause.
(And a part of him is just tired of holding this negativity against Zhongli. He has been able to feign bring over it in several ways, but when it surges up randomly at times like these he realizes he wishes it really was just no longer an issue on his mind. He holds onto the conviction a fight will put it to rest, but each pushing day he can't fight Zhongli here he wonders if he's setting himself up only for misery and disappointment.
Did he want things to go back to the east they used to be, then?
...No, no he doesn't. What he wants is— ]
... Yeah. If I don't have the truth... [ —what then, exactly? Is he not useful to Zenith? A failure because he said he would assist the Matron in doing so? Both? Does it reflect badly on Her Majesty, too? ]
But, there's this feeling I can't shake: it's the more I learn about Manon the more I don't want to know his truth, even though it's necessary for the truth. [ because he still currently sees himself in that person, and he likes less and less of what he sees. A man who lacks conviction, who kills needlessly and exercises in the name of a set of beliefs only for one single thing to fall out of place and crush his foundations to the point that he can no longer justify his entire way of life for the past decade. ]
I hate this fuss all over one guy that doesn't really have anything worthwhile to him for either side, too. I don't get if Meridian is being kind or they're just that above it all that they will take the worthless under their protection in pity.
[ (Childe hates pity.)
—But most of all, he sees a coward who runs (and his own footsteps crunching through the snow that night deafen his mind every time he thinks about it.) ]
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But to ignore it--- surely that would result in only larger regrets. ]
I feel the same uneasiness. Whatever truths lie behind Manon's story, whatever truths lie behind this land that gathers and shepherds the lost like so many sheep - I cannot imagine how it could be anything but complicated. How what we see now is only the tip of an iceberg that extends far into the depths below.
[ As for the other part of Childe's dilemma---
The description of Manon strikes an uncomfortable chord within Zhongli. One that he can only attribute to the values that the Tsarista instilled among the Fatui. That one's worth as a person was tied to their usefulness to a cause. And while Zhongli understood so very deeply how some needed a purpose to keep moving forward, a purpose for one's identity to be dependent on - he would not have thought Tartaglia to be such a person. While clearly devoted, Childe's passion was not so intrinsically tied to completing his duty so much as in enjoying the act of completing it.
Otherwise, he would have never been such a good fit for the Tsarista's contract. Otherwise, the possibility of a continued friendship afterwards would have been an impossibility.
And yet Chile is so quick to label someone as skilled (if ill-fated) as Manon as worthless. ]
I do not know if I would label it as pity so much as they are holding true to their convictions. Meridian believes that everyone can be saved. That life can go back to the way it was once before. Then, by that logic, surely Manon can regain the stability of a life he once had even if it is not with Zenith.
Outside of the information he might possess, however, do you view him as someone with little to no value?
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If all you can do in a situation is run, you'll be running your whole life. [ eyes focused on some corner of the room, Childe speaks with so little emotion it's hard to tell if it's something he feels versus has merely had pounded into him by circumstance.
Zhongli will, for better or for worse, not see Childe simply as he is in his room. a rush of emotions that aren't his own but may very well cause his body to react as if they were. He'll realize immediately their source is Childe, but even then they're somehow not quite his, either.
They belong to the little boy running through snow covered forest as night falls gasping for breath because he just needs to go a little faster. He needs to run he has to run. he can't do anything but run. the anxiety mixed into the adrenaline is fear, of course, but there's a heart breaking sorrow overloading it, too. the despair of childhood dreams and fantasies being crushed underneath the weight of a harsh and cruel world that children his age are supposed to be protected from. an adult would be able to run further. But he's not there yet, and it looks like he never will be as he trips with a scream and one of the wolves leaps to pounce.
somehow, it misses, the boy able to roll and scramble back out of the way, even swing his knife and cut the wild across the nose. The pained sound from the wolf as it momentarily shudders makes him jump, already trying to get up to his feet and keep going. it's a small hope to despairing scene, and that little stone of luck the child has runs out less than half a minute later realizing that he's come to a small cliff ledge. It's more like the ending of a steep massive hill, but the ground is plummets almost vertically. It's dark, too, and it's impossible to see if its survivable if I've were to just jump out. The boy, having been crying the entire run instinctually stops; he want running away from the wolves because he wanted to die. Yet now ... running has ultimately done nothing but prolong his terror and add pain and anxiety and stress that could have all been avoided if he simply stood his ground and died there. Instead, he'll die here now. Unlike the heroes in the books, unlike his dad who had been an adventurer, Ajax has barely started his life as an adventurer. he hasn't met any great heroes to learn how to become one, too. Is it because ... they don't really exist? If they did, wouldn't one be here now?
Swallowing the painful lump in his throat, he looks around frantically only to ultimately turn around as the wolves close in. not knowing what to do, running having done nothing to save him (but he wanted to still run, and he would run gladly if he had a choice,) fairytale heroes saving those in need doing nothing to save him, he holds his knife as he trembles, his fear and his exhaustion making his legs visibly tremble. before the boy can even swing the knife to try and protect himself, that wolf from before bares it's teeth and lunges, aiming for the boy's throat to take him to the ground. the painful and surprised cry from the boy is him being knocked back from the animal's pounce and sent over the cliff, however, and the wolf going with him.
Zhongli will feel these moments just like one would expect a death like that to happen. He'll feel the pain, he'll feel the weight and pushing forcing of the wolf's pounce, its claws catching in clothes and flesh and blood. and then there's nothing. ]
How can you have value if all you have the time for is to run? How& mdash;
[ if Childe says anything more, it's lost because it continues (and ends right here.)
the sensations fall off suddenly, everything and anything acting on Zhongli and his shard end like a natural conclusion to a sudden storm.
Childe's airy laugh lilts, half muffled by the pillow before the next word drops so simply, like he just watched an easily avoided situation happen to someone else. ]
Useless.
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Ah. ...Childe. Was there a time where he too remained unharmonized? (Where there a time too where he wished for such a foolish hope like Zhongli was doing now?) Does he regret the alliances and oaths that he was forced to take up in order to wrangle just the smallest bit of control in his situation?
But a person such as Childe would not want reassurance, considering his previous opinions of pity and cowardice. Even from the interactions they had shared during their time in Liyue, Childe was confident and proud. He did not mourn the life that he lived nor the cards that he was dealt. No, he reveled in both.
But to respond to something so deeply personal and vulnerable with nothing was... well, cowardly.
He was not useless. Not the little boy who had been forced to run had fought back and survived. Not the young man had stood his ground even when stripped of the power he was used to and not abandon his companion. How could either of these things not have value? Not show the strength of Childe's character?
The hand settles more firmly on Childe's shoulder now as Zhongli allows his own feelings to flow more freely over the communion. The majority of it is appreciation - for Childe as a person that has thrived and survived despite the odds mixed in with dollops of relief and respect. (Selfishly, how awful a place would this be for Zhongli if Childe were not here.)
Then, like one of his well spun stories, the emotional equivalent of a proverb spans the space between them. A conviction, perhaps, would be the most fitting similarity. A powerful person can stand up to someone less powerful with ease. But for those who can do the same at such greater disadvantage, how much greater is their potential? How much higher can they rise if they are brave as well as strong? ]
A coward dies a thousand deaths while a brave man dies but once. This I will not dispute.
But until we know their truths, we cannot say why they were running in the first place. A retreat can be strategic and necessary, and pride the downfall of many. The brave can still be fools if all they are is brave.
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it's interrupted by Zhongli's words, so he isn't able to really mull on it, but it seems it may have inadvertently eased Childe's sourness enough have him open to being encouraged to withhold his narrow judgement for now. ]
... Yeah, true. Still, I wonder if everyone can be really saved is Meridian's real motto though. when I first spoke with the tribune after encountering Manon in Alenroux, he knew I wasn't a Meridian. when I tried to get the names of the names of the people who brought Manon's shared to him so I could hear if they saw it experienced anything during their fight because I wanted to get the truth just like he said he was after, he refused immediately and told me he wouldn't because he wouldn't force his Meridians to be subjected to working with Zenith regardless of the matter it was over. [ childe pause a moment, and it does feel like there is a but before he finally adds it, although he's not sure if Zhongli will understand his rather selfish feelings over it. ] I was unharmonized at that point. And it's one of the reasons I chose Zenith when I had to pick one or the other.
[ he snorts in slight irritation but it's not clear if he feels only that or if he's hiding it. it's hard to not feel some of the bitterness leaving a bad taste in his mouth, though. ] So maybe it's more like almost everyone can be saved... except maybe for pretty bad guys like the Fatui~.
[ except him. what cursed bullshit. ]
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[ By Yima and not Meridian. So perhaps it was for the best that Cyrus turned down Childe that day. Not just for that bitterness that twists his words at the moment. But because every time Childe spoke of Yima, it was from a place of respect and now perhaps even more importantly - a place of belonging and acceptance. ]
I do believe that the Meridians mean well, and in their hearts they wish to believe in a world where everyone can be saved.
[ Yet Zhongli had not joined them even though they were on the side that he wished would prevail. If he believed they really truly could bring back Teyvat, Liyue, everything that Zhongli ever loved, he would join them.
But first and foremast, Zhongli was practical. And he had also saw enough tragedies to know that refusing to move forward, to not accept change as life presented it was truly one of the tallest barriers to making peace. Peace with oneself, others, and the world around them. Every journey has its ends, but so does that ending mean a new beginning. ]
Have you heard of the true story of Havria, the Goddess of Salt?
[ For anyone but Childe, that would probably seem like a non-sequitar, but those who had spent any amount of time with Zhongli knew that he preferred to speak in stories and history when offering advice than in more direct methods. ]
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but he doesn't. it wouldn't change the fundamental truth of wheat Zhongli is saying. so the youngest harbinger of the fatui is grateful when Zhongli offers a diversion for his mind, settling in with a wistful expression of their days in Liyue before it all fell apart. even though that is just as much gone as teyvat itself.)
his voice is once again soft in resignation. ]
No, tell me about her, Zhongli-xiansheng.
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But unlike the other gods, Havria was gentle. Too gentle for those times as she chased the peace of the past. She never raised a weapon to harm another. She never spilled the blood of another in offense or defense and neither did any of her followers. If met with confrontation, she negotiated with her opponent or ultimately fled. Gave and gave away until there was naught but one small shelter for her people.
Yet still she did not raise her blade. Yet still she believed in peace.
In the end, the last ruler of her people slew her. Most likely it was an act of mercy for a god that was too kind for the world. But perhaps it was a rallying cry to finally fight and defend their people, knowing that lives would be lost in order to survive. Regardless, gods never die peacefully and the aftereffects of her destruction resulted in the death of many of her followers. A tragic end to a god and her people who only wished to be left in peace.
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I know you may not see the Meridian themselves in this light. They fight as fiercely as the Zenites to see their ideals succeed. But what they wish for is essentially the same. They wish to return to that peaceful era that lives in their memories.
But this world has changed. All our worlds have changed. It can never be as it was before. I'm afraid trying to restore it will be at a cost that all of us cannot afford. And yet they will try and eventually and regrettably have to make concessions against their ideals.
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Still, maybe he's just bitter and biased. In fact, that's probably a big chunk of it. as much as he hates to admit it.
And at the same time, he almost doesn't like the thought that Meridian could come on top only to not get what they hoped for. That just feels even more wrong. This is too complicated and messy, perhaps. All of it.
He'll try and order a gentle smile, nevertheless. ]
Ah, you and your lack of happy endings, Xiansheng. I see what you mean, though...
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[ Zhongli returns Childe's smile with a neutral expression, or at least one that bears a hint of confusion. It almost felt like he was being offered comfort but for what and why, Zhongli does not know. He's still far removed from Manon and this whole mess outside of what Childe has told him and what he has learned this day. Was he not supposed to be the one offering advice to the distressed party? ]
I believe that Meridian will also reach a point where the very foundation of their beliefs and hopes will be challenged. What they decide from there will determine their fate and perhaps the fate of Kenos.
[ Truthfully, though, Zhongli did not see either faction as inherently wrong - it was just two paths to similar end goals and trusting either wholeheartedly (no matter how kind Lady Yima had been to Childe) was not something that should be done without abundant caution. ]
The Zenith issue is one that more have probably experienced. To create a world that puts themselves at the pinnacle of power - then it becomes a question of if that power is being wielded fairly or if they fashion themselves into tyrants that must later be toppled.